A Slice of my Life

I was born and raised in Northern California, in an area where Christianity wasn’t very prevalent. I didn’t go to church growing up and for the most part, I didn’t think religion was something I needed in my life.

During high school, I felt empty. I had few close friends and felt like I wasn’t worth getting to know. After high school, I went to college in North Carolina. While there, I abused alcohol to make me happy and gain the attention of others. I idolized my friendships and relied on them for my happiness. Unfortunately, some of those friendships started to fizzle and when that happened I didn’t know who I was without them and felt very little purpose. I was also constantly comparing myself to everyone and felt worthless because I felt like I could never could live up other people’s accomplishments. Depression and anxiety soon sank in and I felt hopeless.

When I came back over winter break, I entered a state of manic euphoria and had illogical thoughts spinning out of control. After days without sleep, I became delusional and entered psychosis. I then spent 2 incredibly confusing and traumatic weeks in a psychiatric hospital to treat my bipolar disorder.

When I got home, I was invited to church and I started to attend regularly. One night I was in the car with a friend and she talked to me about having a relationship with God.  I told her I didn’t need God as I believed I was a good enough person and I felt like I had recovered just fine from the hospital by my own power. I couldn’t admit the aching emptiness of my heart though or the fear I felt in the hospital, of the blood curdling screams of people in the night, or my helplessness and incredible loneliness in a place that felt like a prison. I wanted people to think I was such an awesome person for my inner strength and didn’t want to attribute anything to God.

Another thing that made me weary, was that around this time I was having homosexual thoughts, to the point of falling in love.  I never physically acted on my feelings but I binge watched sexually explicit shows to fill my empty heart. I wanted sex and a relationship so badly. I thought that it was the missing key to true happiness.

In fall of 2015, I moved to Columbus and got plugged in with Young Life college at Ohio State. There, I was met with incredible love and acceptance from a group of girls and I desperately wanted to understand where their joy came from. I then went on a retreat and the gospel finally grabbed my heart.  I was chasing things that would ultimately never satisfy me or make me genuinely happy.  I started to understand my incredible brokenness and realized that Jesus was the only one who could fulfill my deepest needs.

Despite this understanding, I didn’t know if homosexuality was a sin because of different denominations that supported it. I was so scared but I cried out to God. After a few weeks, God revealed to me that it was a sin. However, he gave me a supernatural sense of peace and love and I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

Soon after coming to Christ, my same-sex feelings greatly diminished. I still don’t know if I will ever fall in love with a man. But as my love for Jesus has grown, I no longer crave sex or a relationship because I have been fulfilled and healed in so many ways by my savior.  Today, I am thankful for that struggle because it taught me how to humble myself and trust that God’s plans are better than mine. A few months after, I landed in the hospital again for 10 days. During that time, I drew so much closer to God and he brought me so much more healing and clarity than any therapist ever has or ever will. He also gave me supernatural peace to comfort and spread the gospel with my distressed roommate and filled me with joy to dance like an idiot in my room.

Last summer, I joined H20. Before coming, I was so ashamed, especially about my sexuality, that I hid it from almost everyone. However at H20, I was so loved and welcomed that I started to open up. I have started to understand more what it means to walk in freedom and now I love telling my story and sharing with people the amazing things God has done in my life. Despite my growth, I am still incredibly broken. Among many things, I seek validation from others and still struggle a lot with comparison. I am learning that I need him every hour to restore me, not just for a ticket out of Hell. He is our only true and lasting hope in this world and I thank God every day that I have finally found what I had been searching so long for…And that is a slice of my life.

3 thoughts on “A Slice of my Life

  1. Hi Erin. My name is Ellen Palmer. I worked with your Dad for almost 20 years at Memorial. I clearly remember when you and your brother were born. I now work at Sutter still as an ultrasound technologist .
    I just finished reading your slice of life. What an AMAZING testimony! So thankful that you had willing ears and an open heart. I became a Christian when I was 23. At the time I was engaged to a guy I had known since kindergarten. He was an alcoholic and I knew it. But I thought I could fix him. I was invited by a coworker to go to a concert at her church one night. So I did. And there the Lord grabbed hold of my heart and I prayed and asked him into my heart. I was scared to tell anyone. I had been raised in a very Irish Catholic home. About 2 weeks later, my fiance was put in jail for a DUI. While he was in there, I went to Hawaii for my brothers wedding. He had become a Christian about a year before me. Well at the wedding, I met my future husband. He was the wedding singer! He started calling me after I returned home to CA. After a week, I finally took the plunge and wrote a letter to him and my bro telling them of my decision for Christ. They both called me the day they received the letters and they were sooo excited. Mark and I began to call regularly. He asked to come see me. He arrived a month later..and asked me to marry him!! And I said yes.I could see then how God was taking me out of a no win relationship and putting me with a very strong believer. We got married 3 months later…and that was 40 years ago. I doubt we could have made it thru the many bumps in our marriage without Jesus and am so very thankful that He opened my eyes.
    I wish I could hug you and tell you….God has a plan for you Erin. With all the pressures and messes our young people are going thru in junior high and high school, and this gender identity crisis. I truly think God will use you in a powerful way, Erin. And when the time is right, He will bring you to the right man for you.
    Stay strong and stay close to Jesus. There isn’t ANYTHING that He can’t fix!!
    ((HUGS)) and blessings for you sweet girl.
    Ellen

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  2. Pingback: Homosexuality: An Uncomfortable Truth | A Journey to Faith

  3. Pingback: Through the fire he will never let us go | A Journey to Faith

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