This post is hard to write, but God has pressed this deeply on my heart. I am trying to write this as compassionately as I can because I know it is such a sensitive topic. I am writing this for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, especially those who think differently from me and don’t think homosexuality is a sin. I know all of you are probably well-meaning and truly want what is best for the people you are reaching out to. My belief may seem contradictory to that, but I hope you will take a look. This is not meant to shame anyone, I just want to share a story that you maybe haven’t heard before. This post is not meant to give a list of all the arguments of this issue. I want to tell you about my journey, and how I eventually believed and was reconciled with the truth that saved my life. And how ultimately, I experienced so much joy.
After I heard the Gospel again at a Young Life camp, I realized I needed Jesus so much. My life was in shambles. I was a mess and I needed a Savior. I was empty inside and knew that Jesus was the only way. But I had a huge dilemma. I was same-sex attracted. And because of varying beliefs, I didn’t know whether homosexuality was a sin.
The Christians around me at that time all believed it was a sin. But I didn’t like that answer. So, I did my own searching to prove people wrong. I read books and watched videos about supposedly gay Christians and ones that defended it through scripture
I went to a church service where an openly gay minister had just been ordained. There was no life there. Something felt off. I cried in agony on the way back and for a while after I got home. No matter how hard I tried though to fit the bible to my desires, I wasn’t satisfied. I was so scared. At that point, I was pretty convinced that hell was real and that my salvation rested on this issue. But I didn’t want the truth to be real. I didn’t want the possibility of never getting married. That seemed like hell on earth.
I’ll admit though, despite the feeling at the pit of my stomach that told me that my efforts were fruitless, some of the arguments were quite convincing, especially to me who had little knowledge of scripture. However, there was one part of scripture that I just couldn’t ignore.
Looking at Ephesians, it is quite evident that God designed marriage in a uniquely, purposeful and very beautiful way.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a glorious church, without stain or wrinkle or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Indeed, no one ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. For we are members of His body. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5: 25-33
In a marriage, the man represents Christ and the woman represents the church, and they are to love each other as such. They are to become “one flesh,” like how Christ and the church will become one when Christ returns.
I thought, if this was how God designed marriage, there was no way that he could bless homosexual marriages. If he did, he would make it evidently clear. But he doesn’t. And in fact, in every instance homosexuality is mentioned, it is portrayed in a negative way.
Still though, I was not convinced. The church was telling me two different things. Who was I to believe?
In the middle of my search, I met with a family friend to discuss this issue. In my confusion, he told me to read the bible without trying to fit my own agenda. To let God and the Bible speak for itself.
So eventually, that’s what I did. One night, I gave up the fight and I told God I wanted him no matter what the truth was. And through his spirit he made it incredibly clear that homosexuality was a sin.
Initially, I thought that truth would wreck me and cause me so much pain. But ya know what? It was the most amazing experience I have ever had. In that moment, I was overwhelmed with a joy and peace like I had never known. I felt secure and somehow, I knew I would be ok.
If you have read my story, you know that a lot of those same-sex feelings went away. Reconciling with the truth though for a few months after was a struggle. Despite the joy I had, I was still fearful of my future. At a confusing time of my life in the psychiatric hospital, I even thought that this all was a lie and I started to have feelings again. I thought I was being deceived and that homosexuality really wasn’t a sin.
God brought me back though through the mess. He softly reminded me of the truth and took a lot of those feelings away. I have a lot of peace with God over this issue today and it’s something I rarely fear. While I do desire to get married one day, I have been so fulfilled and loved by God. I know he is truly my greatest treasure and it is so worth the cost, even if I never walk down the aisle. In fact, I am glad I went through all the mess because it taught me what it means to take up your cross and give your whole life to Jesus. The faith I gained was incredible.
Contrary to what the world was telling me, as well as my own desires, I didn’t know what would make me truly happy before coming to Christ. It still doesn’t make sense why I struggled with this and why thousands of others across the world do as well. It doesn’t make sense why God would even allow any of this. But I do know this—God is so good and his plans are always better than your own. They will “prosper you and not harm you” and will “give you hope and a future,” (Jeremiah 29:11).
I hope you will consider praying about this issue and asking God for clarity. I can’t imagine what my life would be like today had God not revealed the truth to me. Though it may be hard, telling someone what they don’t want to hear can be the most loving thing you could ever do.
*disclaimer: This isn’t meant to discuss homosexuality as a political issue, but solely a doctrine issue.