Remembrance

My life was slowly crumbling
I was desperately searching for hope and love
I wanted to be full
But things of this world never satisfied
No party, relationship, achievement or drip of alcohol could make me feel complete
I just left feeling emptier and more miserable than ever before

I became someone that I no longer recognized
Someone I cringe when I think back
Who used people for her gain
And was consumed with herself
While all the while she lost her youthful and positive spark
Felt rejected, hopeless and utterly defeated
And felt no worth
And didn’t see a way out

I was battling a severe mental illness that fueled a lot of the pain
But that wasn’t the root of the problem
It was much deeper
And it was something I was choosing

I was rejecting you

My sin and shame made me cringe at your name
Tragically I refused your help because I wanted to do things on my own
I didn’t want to follow you because I wanted to live how I wanted
I didn’t want you to be real because I wanted people to glorify me

I wanted people to praise me alone for all my strength and resilience
Even though I was barely staying afloat
And kept denying that I was still in so much pain
Because without this glory and honor
I would have scrambled again for an identity

I became more prideful than ever before
Look at me, look at me my insides roared
Ask me, ask me about my story
So I can look big and mighty

As hard as I tried, no amount of compliments or praises
Could fill the deep ache in my soul
Despite what my outside demeanor sometimes showed
I was dying inside, day by day
I was in a deep slumber and couldn’t move

But to my great surprise and joy you finally woke me up
3 years ago in the stillness of the morning
As I was slowly regaining consciousness
You whispered silently into my ear
It was an answer I didn’t want to hear
But it was in a voice that I had been searching my whole life for
It was the first time I heard it
But it was so familiar
I was finally home
After a long and winded journey
Of pain, confusion and empty, tearful nights
My head could finally rest

The wearisome search was over
You gave me the missing piece to the puzzle
You were what I needed
To satisfy my miserable soul

Before you created me, you knew that I would find you
And would experience inexpressible joy
Two-thousand years ago you prayed for me
Before you were murdered on the cross because of my sin
And here I am, finally your child
Oh how you must have looked forward to that moment
When I would meet you for the first time
I wish I could have seen you singing and dancing over me
With all the saints and angels
That October day when you rescued me

I can’t believe you knew what I would do
The people I would hurt and the ways I would reject and defame your name
Yet you willingly and gladly died to save me and the rest of the world
I could never repay you
I don’t have enough breath in my lungs to praise you for all you have done

Knowing what you did, oh how I wish I could change so much of my past
All the pain I caused your people, but most importantly you, my Lord
Thank you for loving me when I am hard to love
When my thoughts are evil
When I hurt others
And most tragically forget about you

So remind me of your love and compassion every day
Convict me even when it hurts
So I will come back into your warm embrace
And never look to anyone or anything other than you to satisfy me

Amen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s