It hurts my heart that you feel so alone and defeated, and don’t see a way out. It pains me that you see no promissing future. Nothing makes sence and I know it’s hard for you to figure out how quickly things spiraled. There is such a dark cloud above you that is preventing you from seeing any light.
What if I told you though that you would abound in joy one day and that your self-confidence would sky-rocket? Would you believe me? Would you believe me that anxiety would not be prevelent in your life anymore, and that you would barely worry about the future? I know it sounds far-fetched as just getting through one day is such a struggle now.
People tell you that it will get better. Maybe you say there’s a chance..but in all honesty you don’t want to get your hopes up and would rather wallow in self-pity.
Oh Erin, I wish you could know how truly valuable and loved you are. I wish you knew that God is walking with you. He is mourning your pain and understands everything you are going through. You have cried out to Him in anger and confusion. You can’t understand how a loving God could ever let this happen to you. I know you can’t understand it now, but God is using this all for your good. You will be grateful one day for your trials..yes, grateful.
It seems like the whole world is against you. One day you will realize though that your worth and hope though isn’t determined by your circumstances or the people who are or aren’t on your side. I know it sounds crazy but one day you will be in a new city, without many close friends, but you will feel more free and joyful than ever before. Your deep wounds will heal and you won’t care nearly as much about what people think of you.
You will unfortunately face trauma in the hospital again, but you will be at peace. Instead of being frustrated at God, you will understand that He has a plan in all this. Though you will humiliate yourself, shame will wash away because God will show you your worth. He will show you that you have been redeemed and washed clean by the blood of Jesus, and that his opinion of you is the one that matters the most. You will draw so near to God and experience more contentment than you did in any good season of the past. Your depression will fade away and not return in a significant way. Like I said, anxiety will seem to disappear even though your future seems so uncertain.
Even though on multiple occasions you were about to give up, you will eventually graduate college and be back on your feet. You will raise thousands of dollars to support yourself in ministry. You will meet so many amazing people that will change your life. You will have the opportunity to be life-giving to so many, and share your story to hundreds of people.
So, hang in there love. Even though more trials will come, your life is about to begin. You will one day be an entirely new person and have a beautiful future, and it will be hard to believe you were ever in this place.
Your future self